Autistic Rembrandts - 1

Hearing your child say “Mommy!” or “Daddy!” for the first time is one of the sweetest and most special moments that a parent waits and wishes for and let me just say—that we parents truly deserve to be recognized and acknowledged by our children for all the sacrifices we make. We have toiled since our precious child’s birth, enduring painful nipple latches, bites, sleepless nights, endless laundry, tantrums, and meltdowns! We have played night and day nurse for the fevers that wouldn’t budge and seemed resistant to even the almighty Calpol paracetamol, while everyone else slept. We have held back our itchy palms from spanking that cute naughty bum thousands of times over. 

On the other hand, I sometimes wonder why we parents long to hear the sound of that acknowledgement so bad, because if we want to be honest, even without hearing "Mummy" or "Daddy" from our children, right from when our babies give us their first social smile, we know deep down that they love us, that we are their world and that  we are playing such an important role in their lives, yet we crave those words. 

I can’t really explain this need in us parents, all I can say is that the word “mummy” or “daddy” from your child’s mouth is confirmation and acknowledgment of our importance in their lives and every parent deserves that acknowledgment - Yes! We deserve some accolade! 😁😁 Sadly, us mum’s have it even harder than dad's because in general, it’s easier for children to say “Dada”, then “Daddy” than to say “mama” then "mummy". On rare occasions, and let me stress the word - rare, some children will say “mama” first even before “daddy” but usually, mother’s must wait a little longer to receive their own affirmation. 

In typical children, parent's get their affirmation between age one to two years but in atypical children, there is no saying when. Autistic children have challenges with language development, articulation, expressive language, and receptive language and this may delay them saying those precious words. However, Autism is very mysterious and no two children on the spectrum are the same. There is a saying that “If you see one child with Autism, you’ve seen one child with Autism.” Even though they share similar challenges. Children with autism are all so very different. 

For me, the road to hearing “mummy” was a very long and arduous journey, and I’m still on that road. I thought I would never get my special affirmation, said in the right context, to me and that thought just deeply saddened me whenever it came. I would go to the mall and see children running to their mum’s screaming that word I craved so much from my son, I would see children tugging at their mother’s skirts, to get their attention, demanding for this toy and that thing and I would watch their mum’s not even acknowledged the word "mummy" because it was all so normal for them. I would feel cheated and sad. 

“It’s not fair”, I’d think. “why can’t I have that"? 

It became even more painful when my son started saying the word "dada" then “daddy” right after he turned 18 months. I was constantly trying to develop his speech so any opportunity for learning language was being harnessed to the fullest. I would remind Brian over and over to say “Welcome Daddy” whenever my husband got home from work and to say “goodnight daddy” and “good morning daddy", "Say bye to daddy", "Daddy this and daddy that".  Brian wouldn't say anything at first, and when he did it took a lot of prompting or it was said out of context. It almost seemed like he didn’t want to say it like he didn't see the need. He'd get an uncomfortable look on his face as if saying “but, I know it’s daddy, we all know it’s Daddy!” When he eventually started saying it, he never referred to me as “daddy” like most neurotypical children do at some point in their early development. He didn’t call me anything, not even “babe” which was what my husband called me all the time. “Mummy” just wasn’t coming in any shape or form. 
Me being me, I decided to gear up and tackle this challenge head-on. Even though Brian hadn’t yet reached the “mummy” level 3 videos on Gemiini Education systems (an online speech therapy program), I started showing them to him daily. I would slot them in between his regular level 2 videos, and when he had watched them 46 times a week, which is the recommended number of times, but I just kept on running them.  After the 2ndround of 42 times, he started to say the word “Mum” and “Mummy”, but only to the TV screen in unison with pronunciation with the video. He still couldn’t or should I say wouldn’t address me as “Mummy”.
I waited, I toiled, I taught, I used face to face scenarios, but I got…. Nothing!
It was so painful hearing “daddy” all the time, even if most times it was being said in the wrong context, it still deflated my heart. 

“What about me?”My broken heart would cry, “Why can’t you see me, Brian?”

After six months of “Project say mummy”, I started to grow weary and somehow stopped anticipating the word altogether. I still longed to hear it, I longed for it so bad… but I just decided to stop obsessing over it.  We had some much else to learn, and I needed to refocus on other aspects of language development. It was silly really, I told myself to keep pushing for it, because deep down I knew that my son had to know I was his mummy, right? When he was upset or hurt, I was his number one go-to-person and if I didn’t say “sorry” and comfort him, he would not be pacified. If I went out of sight for too long, he’d come looking for me, his hugs were deeper and kiss wetter and sweeter on my cheeks and face than on other family members.  His giggles when I tickled him were extra excited for me and then there were those rare eye contact moments which said that word I longed to hear as loudly as it could ever be. 

“He knows I’m his mummy,” I concluded in me, and that has to be enough.

Soon after Brian turned two and a half, the unexpected happened! I had just woken up from an all too brief Saturday evening snooze and my husband and Brian were coming in from a stroll around the neighborhood. Brian was already on his iPad (my Lord! He’s addicted to that thing!) by the time I got to the living room, watching a nursery rhyme video. He was leaning against the sofa, his back turned to me. Seeing my little nugget swelled my heart up, even though it had just been a few hours (time away from Brian always seemed like an eternity). I come up behind him, stoop and hug him real hard, giving him a kiss on the cheek.  Truly, I had missed him so much! 

Brian looks up and behind him; see’s my face and smiles, then with a sigh he say’s “Mummy…” ever so playfully.
Am I hallucinating! No! I couldn’t have been dreaming! His words had been too loud and clear and it had been directed at me, with good eye contact too! 
My husband is looking at me, with a surprised smile.

 “Finally!” my husband says.  He had heard it too. 

My eyes brim with tears, my heart seemed to melt and burst into flames all at once. Had I actually stopped waiting to hear those words? Because in that moment there was nothing as sweet as the sound of  “mummy” from my son’s mouth. How could I have almost stopped waiting and hoping to hear it?

I look down at my clever little boy who’s back to his iPad, watching his show like nothing had transpired.  I hug him even tighter. 
“Yes, Brian” it’s mummy…” I said with so much joy in my heart. 

But he already knew it; he had known it, maybe, all his life!

Want to know something funny, Brian didn’t say mummy again after that. No, it took almost another year to hear it again and now at age four he’s Mummy this and mummy that, in fact, I’m sated with mummy now and moving on to the next challenge. 

So was the pain, time and effort to get the word “mummy” out of my son really worth it? I’m not sure. I mean, in executing project “Say Mummy”, I could have been consistent, but less obsessed.  I could have chosen to be happy and hopeful whenever I observed other children’s ability to say “mummy” rather than be envious and think negative thoughts.

Autism and my son are my biggest teachers for all things in life and after this experience, I finally understood the saying that, “just because you don’t see something, doesn’t mean it’s not there.” 

I now know that children with Autism know their parents are their parents. Autistic children may not just have the ability, instinct or need to say “Mummy” or  “Daddy” at some stage of their development. So persevere in teaching them and be just a little more patient, that important word is expressed to us every day in so many ways and in their own unique way. Enjoy it and stop obsessing about typical milestones like I did and honestly still do… 

Autism is my teacher….and I choose to learn.

If you have a child with Language delay, even without a professional diagnosis try out Gemiini Education Systems. They have an online assessment you can do for your child, with a one-week free trial. Payment for the service can also be scaled based on the familys socioeconomic status to ensure all families with special needs can have access.
Also to share your concerns about your child's development, visit us at The Community Health Outpatient Clinic, Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH) - Idi-Araba. Accident and Emergency building, 2nd floor, Tuesdays and Wednesday, 9am-1pm. 

To get a full developmental assessment for your child, contact the Children's Developmental Center  (CDC) at 31 Modupe Johnson Crescent, off Adeniran Ogunsanya Street, Surulere, Lagos. +2348023176525, +2349095524021, info@cdcafrica.org.ng, https://cdcafrica.org.ng/

Comments

  1. What a beautiful piece and wish I had seen it sooner💕🤗

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